Crossroads
by the2julies
Summary: By Carly Carter and Kassandra Luem the2julies . Stevie/Alex. Alex learns about Rose, Can he forgive Stevie for keeping this secret from him?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Once again her eyes fixed on that one dark spot on the peeling green paint of the room. The spot she'd already passed by 47 times since she'd seen the sun go up in the grey-blue sky. 47 times she'd walked from the wall with the fake wooden cupboard to the wall with the window. And she imagined she could already see where her footsteps had left marks on the flimsy brown carpet. If she continued like this for another few hours, she was convinced she'd wear a hole into the material. 48, she counted, as she turned once more, away from the wall with the window she's just reached. Actually she had no money to pay for a room with a window. But the manager of this motel was a nice guy and she suspected he'd taken pity on her. She hated it when people pitied her. But she was grateful for the window, nonetheless. At least seeing the colours of the sky change from black to red to blue to red and finally to black again gave her some kind of idea about what time it was. And looking at the open sky kept her from simply going crazy.

She concentrated on keeping her footsteps even, trying to make her heart beat to the deliberately slow rhythm. One, two, one, two… But she failed and her heart kept racing. Because the baby in her arms was still crying. She'd been rocking her for the whole night and all of this morning, and still the baby kept crying. She'd read her her favourite stories, she'd tried to cheer her up with that little, stuffed dog she loved so much, she'd sung to her, cradled her in her arms while laying down on the bed, still softly rocking the child. She'd spoken to her in that soothing voice that never failed to calm her. Never, until now.

Inside, Stevie was silently, desperately pleading with her daughter to stop crying. To just go to sleep, so she'd know her precious, little girl was alright. But the baby kept screaming and by morning, Stevie'd run out of ideas on what to do. Everything inside her was shaking with fear, her gut seemed to consist only of nothingness, a nothingness that made all the muscles around it clench and twist, trying to fill that void. She didn't know what to do. Why wouldn't the baby stop crying? What if she was sick?

She looked down at the one-year-old in her arms and she just couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. She was so scared that maybe Rose might really be sick and she wouldn't know what to do to help her. What if something was seriously wrong and she didn't recognise the sights? How could she live with herself if something happened to Rose because she didn't take care of her well enough?

She wished she could call someone, anyone, to tell her what to do. To tell her everything would be alright, that Rose would be alright and that she was worrying too much. But there was no one she could turn to.  
Not her parents. Surely not her parents, because they had made it quite clear they didn't want anything to do with her anymore, the moment she'd told them she was pregnant. Not her sister, because Michelle had had that look of disgust on her face. Disgust and envy, because her fiancé and her already knew that despite their wish for the contrary, they could never have children. And now, there was her sister, a girl of 15 years that still went to school, standing in front of them, shaking with fear while she was confessing what would've been Michelle's greatest dream come true. It just didn't seem fair. Stevie could understand the resentment and anger she had read on Michelle's face. And she'd understood the jealousy. She'd felt the blame, the disappointment and the shame they piled on her sink deep into her heart. There was no way she could call them.

Her father had told her in that cold, emotionless voice to go and get her things, because he only had one daughter and he didn't want a stranger in the house. To this day she still heard his voice resonating in her ears when she lay awake at night. And she still remembered her mother's hateful stare and the contemptuous twist of her lips that had burned deep into her, scalding her as the woman had turned her back on her youngest daughter without a backwards glance. They'd probably hang up as soon as they recognised her voice, anyway. And even if they didn't, she could already hear her mother's words in her head:

"We knew straight away that you wouldn't be good enough for that baby, Stephanie. You better just leave her with us before you do any more damage."

The words were only in her head and still, they stung. Because it was almost exactly what her father had said to her, shortly after she'd given birth to Rose. He'd come to her hospital room and for a moment she'd almost dared to hope that he'd come to talk things over. The past eight and a half months had been hell for her and she would never forget the cruel words spoken to her by the very people she'd come to looking for support. But if her father was here now to offer some kind of truce, an agreement for the baby's sake, then she was prepared to move past all of that. Because in spite of everything that had happened between them, she was still little more than a child herself and desperately looking for some sort of guidance and safety, now there was this little person in the world she wanted to care for so very much.

The baby in her arms shifted and Stevie looked down at Rose. Her beautiful, little Rosie. And she was glad she'd refused her father's demand to just give the child to Michelle – "… because we both know you don't have the first idea on how to be a mother, Stephanie. Just admit it to yourself, that child would be much better of with sensible, reliable people like Michelle and Tom instead of you."

That precious little fluttering of hope had been extinguished so immediately that she would've doubted it had ever been there if it hadn't been for the painful, crying void that now sat in its place. She'd already felt that once, when she'd been standing on that hill eight and a half month ago and said goodbye to everything she'd known so far. She'd been sure she had hardened her heart against her parents then, but now it turned out she had been less successful at that than she'd originally thought. Well, she wouldn't make that mistake again. Her own parents hadn't only sent her away, they despised her. Held nothing but contempt for her. Contempt and shame. Still, she'd looked at the newborn sleeping peacefully beside her and she'd sworn to herself then and there never to feel shame for her own daughter. Yes, maybe she had been foolish and careless. She definitely had been. But in spite of what everybody wanted to make her believe, the baby beside her was a blessing. Her blessing. Not a mistake, whose existence should be regretted and denied.

And so she'd sent her father away, convinced that somehow she and Rosie would make it. Because she loved her child.

Now it suddenly didn't seem so simple anymore.

What if Rose was sick? She barely had enough money to pay for their room anymore, how was she supposed to pay for a doctor? Or for medicine, if it came to that.

Please, Rosie, don't be sick. I promise it'll be alright, I promise, ok? Just don't be sick, please. And part of it, she repeated out loud.

"Shh, Rosie, it's alright. Mommy's going to make it alright, don't worry. Mommy's going to take care of you. It'll all be alright, I promise."

Her voice cracked on the last few words and she had to look away as she tenderly stroked the child's wet cheek, because she didn't want her daughter to see her cry. She had to be strong. She had to be strong for Rose. Now more than ever.

She just didn't know how she was supposed to fulfil that promise.

One, two, one, two, she counted in her head. Round 51, one, two, one, two. Desperately, she tried to cling to those numbers, to find solace and security in the steady rhythm of her counting.

But still, her heart kept thundering against her ribcage.

And the baby just wouldn't stop crying.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch 2

Stevie slowed her ute as she approached the intersection. She paused, trying to decide which way to turn. She had been driving for hours, with no real direction. She had not seen another car for miles. The choice of left or right seemed inpossible, and so she sat for a moment, closing her eyes. The cruel interplay of multiple rejections bombarded her relentlessly. Every where she looked she came face to face with a door that someone had slammed shut against her. Every refuge of her mind that previously brought any comfort and peace was now a place of lonely darkness. She could no longer even find solace in the thought that she was independant and strong. Suddenly it seemed that had all been a facade.

Stevie could not remember a time she had felt so alone. She was certian, logically, that she had been alone before. That she had no hope before. No place to go and no one to run to. She had survived. She had survived before she had come to Drovers Run, and therefore she would survive when she left. But that logic didn't seem to hold true. She searched her memory but could not recall ever feeling quite like this. Something had changed since she had come to live at Drovers Run. Something changed when she started to think of the place as home, of the people as family. Something had broken her independant unbreakable spirit. After being rejected by her own family, she had intentionally kept her distance from other peoples lives. She had not been seeking that family that she had found on Drovers Run. And all in all it was quite an unlikely family for her to fall into. She had never fit at Drovers. She had known that all along. It should not come as such a shock to her that things turned out the way they did.

Her anger burned against Tess. Tess had never wanted her around. And finally now Tess had managed to get rid of her for good, and all while making it look like the entire thing was Stevie's fault. This anger at Tess felt so good. It prevented her from exmaining her own dishonesty and distrust and the reasons behind it. And for a moment it stopped that seething burning relentless pain of rejection.

Stevie berated herself for trusting Tess. All along it had been a rocky relationship. Tess had never been thrilled by the prospect of Stevie being around Drovers. Stevie had told her that she didn't care much what other people thought. But that was only true for some people. Despite the amount of times Tess had called Stevie "trouble" and the amounts of disaproval she had heaped on Stevie for almost every move she made, Stevie had fianlly began to believe they had forged a rocky friendship, and a respect.

Stevie had confided in Tess about Rose. Of all people, she had opened up to Tess McLeod. She had not told many people about Rose, not even Claire, not even Alex. And yet the whole story came spilling out to Tess. And why? Had she been secretly craving this sister figure that she had lost in Michelle, trying to replace her with a more approving person? Stevie had sworn, at the age of 15, that she would never allow herelf to need or seek any one's approval. And yet she had. And Tess had been supportive and non judgemental about Rose. But that was before Alex entered the picture.

Tess had never hidden her disapproval of the growing romance between Stevie and Alex. Stevie had tried to brush it off, and it was easy to forget everything in Alex's arms. To have Tess blurt out the truth would have been one thing. But to know it had been deliberate, that was another matter entirely. To go to Alex, to tell him about Rose knowing Stevie had not done so could only be seen as a deliberate attack that would fracture not only the relationshiop between Stevie and Alex, but also that betwen Stevie and Tess.

Tess had a front row seat to everything that had happened. She had seen the relationship between Stevie and Alex develop, seen how happy it had made them both. Seen that light back in Alex eyes for the first time since he had lost Claire. Seen Stevie's change into almost a completly differnet person, more mature and settled, and had seen Stevie walk the hallways at night, unable to sleep, trying desperatly to find the words to tell Alex abut Rose. Endlessly searching for the right words and the right time, a perfect scenario that never eventuated. Tess had witnessed it all. And to go to Alex behind Stevie's back and break her confidence, was something that Stevie could not get past. There was only one motivation Stevie could come up with. Tess did not approve, did not think Stevie was good enough for Alex Ryan. And now Alex thought so to. Stevie had proved them both right.

Stevie despised herself for even giving Tess a second thought on this day. In the grand scheme of things, Tess mattered very little and could not hold her attention long. It was Alex who was first and foremost in her mind that morning, as every other morning for the last month. And that fact alone caused a pang of guilt. Shouldn't Rose be first? Shouldnt her daughter occupy that place of most important, the one she missed the most. But her daughter was not here. Not like Alex had been here. Every single day, by her side. She had been without Rose for years. It tormented her, but she had managed to keep going, putting one foot infront of the other. But the absence of Alex in her life seemed insurmountable. She tried to push her mind back, to remember the strong independant person she had been. How had she picked herself up last time and kept on going? Had she felt this helpless and alone when she had given Rose up? Had it hurt this deeply?

_'I should have told him.'_ The thought rang through her mind over and over. It was that simple. 'I should have told him about Rose.' Why had she not told him in the beginning? Stevie refused to be ashamed of Rose, to hide her existance as if it was something she regretted. She was not ashamed. Not of Rose. Never. But at times the voices of her parents resounded in her head. And deep down amidst all the fear there was shame. A bucketload. She had been ashamed of her own foolishness, of the fact she threw her education away, her family, her future. She was ashamed not of Rose but of herself, because those she loved most were ashamed of her.

She had always meant to tell Alex about Rose. She didn't go round broadcasting it from the roof tops, but it was not a state secret. It was just the closer they became, the harder it seemed. The longer it went on, the harder it would be to explain why she had not told him sooner. And deep down she was frightened about his reaction. Would he look at her the way her parents and sister had? Would he too be ashamed? Would he be able to accept Rose? What man wants another mans teenage daughter included in the packge? And so time went on, and Stevie said nothing.

It all seemed like a fairytale in the beginning. The fact that Alex Ryan might be interested in her. More than interested. He wasn't after a one night stand. He truly cared about every part of her, loved every part of her. It was hard for her to comprehend and she never felt entirely worthy or his love or attention. He enjoyed every moment they spent together, making excuses to visit Drovers as often as possible. Stevie could not work out what she had done to deserve this. It somehow felt uncomfortable that something was going so well in her life, that someone loved her with no conditions and no strings attached. She saw his eyes light up every time he noticed her. And that was one of the best feelings she had ever known.

She had never analysed it closely. But now she had time to reflect she realised she had been frightened of losing him, and frightened of how much she was frightened by that. As days went on she grew more dependant on seeing him. She smiled only for him. And now that he was gone she wondered what she had ever had to smile about before Alex Ryan loved her. What would she ever smile about again? She didn't spend long torturing herself over the fact that she could have prevented this, nor that her fear of losing him caused her to do the one thing that drove him away. In her own mind it was clear, it would have ended one way or the other. If she had told him, he would not have been able to accept it, if she hadn't told him he felt betrayed. And if neither scenario came up, there would have been some other reason, something else to shatter her fairy tale world. That was how the world worked. It was inevitable, and the only thing to do now was pick up her life, move on, and never, ever, make that mistake again.

She had made so many mistakes, so many bad choices. But Stevie could not regret anything that happened. It would be like regretting Rose was ever born, and she could never wish for that. In the end, she had made a better life. For Rose with a loving family, and for herself learning independance and endurance. Learning how to build walls to keep people like Tess Mcleod and Alex Ryan out. How quickly she had forgotten those lessons the moment she stepped foot on Drovers Run. How had she let herself become so dependant on those people? Where had the strong, independant, carefree woman gone to? Where had this frightened needy pathetic person come from? How did she get so dependant on him, on what he thought, on what he said, on him being near ? How had she coem to believe her world would not turn without him in it?

As with every other day there was the ever present background ache of being seperated from her baby girl. It never went away. And along with thoughs of Rose, thoughts of her family natually co existed. Thoughts of that cruel rejection and disaproval. Of that safe place that had turned into a place she was no longer welcome. A place that welcomed her daughter with open arms and threw her out into the cold. Her parents, and Tess McLeod, and Alex Ryan, those very people who turned their backs on her, were the very people who's approval she would kill for even now. Even though she fought hard trying to believe she didn't want it. She didn't need it, that was true. But she wanted it. Badly. But even the shame of her family's disaproval couldnt touch her when she was with Alex. If he loved her, then they didnt matter.

And then suddenly there it was again. That gut wrenching feeling she felt when she thought of image she had not been able to erase from her consciousness, Alex face. His words in her ears, over and over. His simple philosophy that made too much sense.

_Why did you give her up? You dont want her? Why dont you go get her? You dont love her?_

And even all those questions were easier to face than this one.  
_  
Why didn't tell me? Are you ashamed of her? Don't you trust me?_

How could she argue with that pure simple childlike logic. She felt guilt and shame smouldering inside her, about Rose, about keeping it from him. And yet there was resentment towards him too. How could he not see in her eyes the pain he was causing? How could he not see her love? Her fear? Her guilt? Could he not understand she had done it because she loved Rose? That she had been frightened to tell him because she loved him? Could he not see how desperatly she needed him to stand beside her? Didn't he feel it too? This aching void when they were apart? Obviously not. It was so simple in his world. If Stevie loved Rose she would not have given her up. If she wanted her she would go get her, If she loved Alex she would have told him. There was no other way about it in his eyes.

How would Rose ever understand it if Alex, a grown adult who claimed her loved her more than life, could not understand it. It hurt more than being rejected by him, to know he believed she did not love Rose.

Stevie could not be sure if it was the fact Rose existed, the fact Stevie left her or the fact she had not told Alex that was the cause of him walking out on her. He himself seemed confused as to the precise focus of his seething rage. But none of these things could be altered, and he seemed unwilling to even try. It wasn't worth the effort to him. Perhaps he had just wanted out. It was never going to work, and she had prepared herself for it. But there was no way to prepare herself for how much it shattered her.

And so once again, on the road, with nothing, with no one. She'd been at this crossroads many times before. She just didn't remember it hurting so badly. Perhaps the months at Drovers Run had somehow dulled the painful remembered one thing, that each day it had hurt a little less. And somehow she had survived. She had endured so much, only to be right back in that place, that scared stupid kid who screwed everything up, and doesnt know how to take another step now that the people she loves are gone from her life.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch 3

Odd- it was full moon, the girl thought as she stood on top of the black and brown mountain, made out of stone and debris that had stood as namesake for her hometown. Why exactly she though it was odd that the moon was shining so brightly on this particular night, she couldn't really tell. Maybe it had to with the fact that today had undeniably been the darkest day of all her fifteen years of living. Maybe it also had to do with the way that the silvery white light illuminated the scenery just enough to make out the different shapes, but not nearly enough to really recognise anything for what it was.

And maybe it was this semi-darkness that made familiar things suddenly look different, strange and cold that caused this unease in her stomach.

The wind whipped through her hair, leaving her blind for a moment and making her shiver. It was summer, and still the night was cold. As another gust of wind blew through her clothes and pressed her closer to the metal fence she was leaning against, one of her hands instinctively settled on her stomach. Which was stupid, she berated herself, while her other hand was busy trying to tuck the long red curls back behind her ears.

She wasn't even sure she wanted this child. After all, it was because of this life growing inside of her that she was now standing here, her heart aching at the sight of the city lights below. Immediately guilt shot through her for that thought. It was not the baby's fault her life had fallen apart like that. It was her own. She should've been more careful. She shouldn't have believed Will just like that when he'd told her he'd take care, so she wouldn't have to worry about anything happening.

She had been stupid. Definitely, unforgivably stupid.

At least that was what her parents obviously thought. And to some extend, she agreed with them. It had been stupid, listening to Will that night not so long ago. It had been stupid not to stop him, but they hadn't been together for long, he was every girl's dream guy and she'd been flattered he'd chosen her. And he'd been so cute to her, treated her like she was so very precious to him and she didn't want him to think she was a prude. And apart from that, she'd wanted it as well.

And now she was paying the price. And paying dearly. She still couldn't quite believe that tonight was a final goodbye. Somewhere in the back of her mind she still had that warm, secure feeling that if it came down to the worst, she'd just call her mum to pick her up and let her settle everything. In her heart, she simply couldn't understand that from now on she was on her own. Completely on her own. Calling her parents wasn't an option anymore because they'd rejected that title right along with her as soon as her nervous, stammered confession had made its way past her lips.

Of course she'd been prepared for some kind of argument. She'd been prepared to take the blame, she'd been prepared for yelling, for tears, accusations and bitter words. That had been the exact reason why she'd been standing in front of them, her hands clenched tightly to stop the shaking and her bottom lip almost bleeding from all the nervous biting she'd subjected it to. Her insights a tightly knit ball of fear, shame and this faint, naive hope that once the yelling was done her parents would know just what to do to make it all better. Somehow they'd work something out so maybe she could even finish school before she started earning money to be able to offer her child a good future. Maybe her mom could look after the child while she was in school… somehow they'd find a way to make it work.

She just didn't want to face the disappointment she knew would be on their faces. They'd be so disappointed in her. And she hated disappointing them, even though ever since she'd turned thirteen she tried to act as if she didn't give a damn about anyone's approval. They were her parents after all. And it was this thought, her faith in them and their love for her and the simple fact that she didn't know what to do now and was looking for their wisdom to guide her through this, that had finally made her spill the story.

Turned out she hadn't been prepared for anything. And turned out that her faith had been based on hollow ground. As soon as the words were out she'd known that this would change her entire life. And now here she was, a few days away from Christmas, with her backpack in the dirt beside her, her sleeping bag strapped on top of it and knowing that she had nowhere to go.

She could've called Carly, her best friend who'd been by her side ever since they'd both gotten stuck in detention in second grade for throwing their lunch at a few boys that had made some nasty comments about curly hair. In fact, she'd been standing at the payphone, the coins already in and her index finger poised above the first digit. But then she'd thought if not even her parents, or the people that had been her parents for the last fifteen years of her life, could accept her and love her like that, then how should anybody else. So she'd hung up, shouldered her bag and, ignoring the curious glances from the bottle shop owner across the street, she'd started to walk down the dark, silent road.

Even from the top of the Broken Hill she was standing on, Stevie could see the Christmas decoration in the streets and for a moment it made her wonder where she'd end up this Christmas. And what her parents would do with the Christmas present she knew her mother had already bought. Most probably they'd just chuck it out. Her mother. Somehow just the sound of those words still had that familiar, warm feeling of security to it, the security of a person who's known and been there for you for all your life. She should probably stop calling the woman that had thrown her out onto the street just a few hours ago 'mother'. She'd probably want her to.

Thoughts kept running through her head, intangible, insubstantial and never staying long enough to really hold onto it. Like the wind that was blowing around her, starting to make her shiver. Still, she couldn't bring herself to leave. She knew, if she turned around now, turned her back on the town she'd spend nearly her whole life in, she'd probably never see it again. And she had no idea where to go. All she had was the bag beside her, broken trust, broken promises and a child that was growing inside her, relying on her to keep it save. She didn't even know where to spend the night.


End file.
